It's kinda funny, because at work we have a calender that we write in everyday. we write how the day has been and so on.
I was reading in it yesterday how it was this weekend last year, since it's first advent this weekend. I was curious how it was last year. Anyways apparently I was working this weekend last year as well, and first I had written that we hadn't a lot of customers. Than I also had written "Really really cold with a lot of snow" which was kinda funny since yesterday it was +5 here, and no snow :P
But I don't complain, I'm happy so long we don't have any snow :)

Well I gotta go to work now.

There's a reason why I haven't written here so much the last 2 weeks, it's because I haven't had time. I have been working a lot. Also I haven't been feeling that good, I think I have a cold that is slowly getting to me, it sucks because I'm not feeling that bad so I should stay at home and sleep.. but I'm feeling too bad to work, so it's not a good combination. I hope that it will either disappear soon, or that I will get a cold and I will be fine soon again.

I have been thinking a lot lately as well. I'm still not over the whole thing with K, it's a month now since we broke up. We haven't had any contact in 3 weeks. I don't have a problem with that, I don't want any contact with him, the feelings I did have for him, they are gone. But even if they are gone, I'm not over the fact that I have been hurt like hell. Because my self-esteem is zero. It doesn't exist right now. To be honest, it feels like I'm worth nothing.
I have heard from several places, that they aren't surprised that this happened, that it's like that they have been waiting for this to happened, with K. To be honest, can't say that it makes me feel any better... it's like, how did everyone else see it but me. Right now it's not the best thing to hear. I kinda feel like crap still with this whole situation.

The past 2 weeks has been really hard as well.. and it's still hard. Because on Monday, November 21st it was one year ago since my mum passed away. It's been so hard. I can't believe that it's actually already been a year since she passed away. It feels like I have been a zombie all year, have put on a smile on my face. Since I don't know how many times in a week, when I go to bed, I have tears in my eyes because I miss her so much. I thought that it was going to be easier with time. For me it's almost the opposite, it feels like it's getting harder every day. Each day that passes, it hurts more. I just can't believe that I will never see her again, never hear her voice.
It hurts like hell.

Things doesn't end there... my uncle is really sick as well...he needs a bone marrow transplant. Maybe my dad will be the one who gives it to him, if he is a match. There's a lot of things to this story that I can't write about as well. But it's not good things.

When will all the bad things end around me?? Because it just seems to come more and more things... :( Started to think about all the things that has happened to me last years, it's just not one thing...

• my mum became sick. Was sick for 1½ year. Passed away a year ago.
• also about a year ago a friend of mine passed away
• all hell that happened with D.
  
• had to put my cat to sleep
  
• all hell that happened with K
• my uncle is sick.
• there are 2 other things as well. But I can't write about them here, since I don't know who is reading here.
  

These things only in ONE YEAR. When will there be any good things happening to me? I'm so tired of bad things happening all the time around me. But I'm getting used to it, so I guess that they are going to keep happening.

This became a long post, I'm not going to bore you any longer with my problems. But it will take a long time until I will feel good again, if I ever will. Until than, my fake-happy face is on.

RIP mum

I've been thinking a lot about if I'm going to write here about what has happened here lately why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling.
First my thought was no I won't, because of respect of that person. But at the same time, seriously, I don't owe him anything. Right now I don't even care if he finds this blog and read this, to be honest that would be good, I don't care :P
Of course I do feel hurt and sad. But mostly I just feel like a total fool.
Have been together with K for it was almost 6 months. Things has been up & down a lot, but every time we have had a down period we have always worked it out. AND he have always said that he want to work things out, that he wanted this. And I was such a fool who believed him.
To make a long story short, he started to treat me really bad. He didn't even say what was going on than, from what I understood he still wanted this than. He than suddenly changes and says that he doesn't want this anymore, Can you imagine how pissed I was?
There's more to the story that I don't feel like writing about, but the thing is that he has walked around probably several weeks knowing this without telling me! Letting me believe that this is what he wanted.
I mean, do I really have a sign on my head saying "I don't have feelings, so you can play and do whatever with me" Because it really do feels like that. Since this situation keep happening over and over again.

I can say that the feelings I had for K, they are gone. The only thing I feel is anger, disappointment. Because I have told him SOO many times that honesty is the most important thing in a relationship. I have also told him how I have been treated before and that I was really afraid of being hurt like that again.
And what does he end up doing?! Treat me exactly the way I have told him that I'm afraid of.
He was actually the last person I thought was going to do this. Like I have told him, I understand and know that feelings can change. It happens and it hurts. BUT when you go around and know about it, and not tell the other person and let that person believe that everything is okay and that he wants this. That is NOT okay.

You can probably understand that I'm not feeling the best right now. Mostly because I feel like a fool. And also what the heck is wrong with me since this keep happening over and over again.

Sorry for long post, but I just had to get this out of me.

It's so awfull going around with this feeling inside me. It's just the worst feeling ever to go around and feel like you are worth nothing.
I go around and feel dizzy since I have a hard time eating and sleeping which totally sucks..

This is my very first post in my new blog.
To be honest, I have had this blog for almost 2 months but I have
decided not to write in it.
The thing is that my life has been chaotic the past months, and my plan
was that I didn't want this to be a depressing blog or anything like that, since I feel a little that my last one was that. So I decided not to write in this one.
But now I feel that, I do want a blog.
I need to write down my feelings, I have no idea how often I'm
going to update. What I'm going to write about.
But I'm doing this blog for me.
So now it's up to you if you want to read here or not!